


Cave Spider Husbandry For Fun And Profit

by draconicsockpuppet



Category: Dwarf Fortress
Genre: Crack, F/F, Giant Spiders
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-04-28
Updated: 2020-04-28
Packaged: 2021-03-02 00:41:27
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 700
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23886130
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/draconicsockpuppet/pseuds/draconicsockpuppet
Summary: Kikrost waved her hands. "Does it matter where they came from? No! What matters is that they're adorable!"Litast looked down into the copper cage full of baby spiders. Spiderlings? Whatever they were, they were hideous."Also, they'll murder anyone who tries to give you crap," Kikrost added.Litast nodded slowly. "I'll take a dozen."
Relationships: Spider Obsessed Dwarf/Her Very Patient Wife
Comments: 3
Kudos: 13
Collections: Minigame: Round 1





	Cave Spider Husbandry For Fun And Profit

**Author's Note:**

  * For [Laplace_Aura](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Laplace_Aura/gifts).



"I didn't think giant cave spiders were capable of having offspring," Litast Treatybrunch said.

Kikrost Hollowbarrel leaned in. "They're a gift from the goddess Urist."

"Chaos, unpredictability, and horror?" Litast scrunched her nose up. "Why would we want gifts from her?"

"Also something called 'modding'," Kikrost said. She waved her hands. "Anyway! Does it matter where they came from? No! What matters is that they're adorable!"

Litast looked down into the copper cage full of baby spiders. Spiderlings? Whatever they were, they were hideous.

"Also, they'll murder anyone who tries to give you crap," Kikrost added.

Litast nodded slowly. "I'll take a dozen."

* * *

Litast noticed when the kitchen started cooking with spider eggs. Apparently not everyone was as willing to foster Kikrost's spiderlings as she was. She carefully picked every one out of her stew and put them beside her bowl.

Kikrost's voice rose above the din of the dining room. "Do we not have enough turkey meat to eat for a decade? What are you doing, feeding my babies to people like they're chopped eyeball?"

"They're not your babies," Litast shouted.

"YES THEY ARE." Kikrost stomped over and slammed her dinner tray down on the marble table. "They're the best babies. Nobody has to feed them or burp them or change them, and they never need daycare. You just chained yours out on the hillside, didn't you."

Litast shrugged. Someone had to keep an eye out for enemies. Why not a tame predator that could fend for itself?

"Still better than cooking them for dinner," Kikrost said. "Maybe they'll catch some kobolds."

"That is the idea," Litast said, and took another bite of her stew.

* * *

"I'm just so sad people don't like my spiders," Kikrost said as she laid on her back in their bed, staring up at the ceiling.

Litast threw a pillow at her. "I love you. Go to sleep."

"Someday. Someday I'll convince everyone that…" Kikrost took a deep breath and shouted. "Giant cave spiders make the best pets!"

"Go the fuck to sleep," someone shouted back from a room down the hall.

"He's not wrong," Litast said, and pulled the blanket over her head.

* * *

Litast tossed a roll of parchment down by Kikrost's tray. "Queen Steelcloisters is looking for volunteers to found a new fortress out in the Horn of Sadness."

Kikrost looked up at her, then at the roll of parchment. "Isn't that haunted?"

"Yep." Litast put her tray down and cracked her biscuit in half. Praise be to Armok, there were no spider eggs in it. "First volunteer gets to name the fort."

Kikrost cocked her head. "I don't get it."

"You. Me. However many spiders you have in that blasted cage of yours. A home we get to name ourselves." Litast leaned in. "I was thinking… Spiderfeasts."

Kikrost started crying.

Litast shrank back. "What did I do? Don't cry!"

"I just," sniff, "love you so much," Kikrost sobbed. "Yes. Yes! You, me, and six hundred spiderlings."

"Six hundred?!" Litast hid her face in her hands, then peeked out between her fingers. "You have them all in the cage, right?"

Kikrost waved her fork, inadvertently sending a piece of plump helmet flying out into the usual chaos of the dining room. "Oh sure, otherwise nobody would be able to move without tripping over them."

"Great!" Six hundred spiderlings would go a long way towards murdering everything that got in their way. Litast grinned. "Our own private spidertopia."

"Our babies will be so happy!" Kikrost giggled through her tears.

Litast took a deep breath. She wasn't ready to be a mother, but … well, if it made Kikrost happy.

* * *

As it happened, having a near-infinite supply of giant cave spiderlings was a great way to survive a mountain full of undead yaks and other dangers. Several decades later, the Duchess of Spiderfeasts received a special commendation from Queen Steelcloisters, as well as an order for a hundred and twenty war-trained giant cave spiders. The Duchess was spotted crying over 'her babies' before sending them off with the caravan.

The Duchess Consort sighed and went back to balancing her account ledger. That was one dozen cages of spiders disposed of; only a few hundred to go.


End file.
